300: A Quick and Dirty Review (with Only a Smidgen of Blood)

Alright, so The Wife and I finally got around to see 300 last night. I think I can summarize the move in three words:

  • Eww!
  • Cool!
  • Fap fap fap!

Seriously, this is it. Want more? Here’s the rundown:

The movie is basically a two hour battle scene where armies of arab fighters, samurais, orcs and ogres fall at the spears of an impenetrable army of Spartan supermen, with blood exploding from the bodies of the dead and dying like water from a balloon, blood which seeps into the ground, never to be seen again. (Seriously, where did all the blood go? The ground’s as dry as ever.) This carnage is interrupted only by intermittent scenes of sex and politics so graphic that at a few points during the film I leaned over to The Wife’s ear and asked “so, are we seeing a battle movie or a porno?” Mind you, the sex isn’t limited to us of the heterosexual persuasion: there’s some girl-on-girl action, and beautiful girl-on-deformed talking mutant squash-thing action, These, however, pale in comparison to the appearance of the homoerotic Spartan army, 300 men in superhero capes and skin-tight speedos, flexing their muscles like bodybuilders in a competition. Apparently, these Spartans did away with armor in lieu of nearly impenetrable pecs and abs so perfectly sculpted they are sure to make all but the most physically fit of us at least a little self conscious.

(To be fair, this movie was based on Frank Miller’s graphic novel of the same name, and the movie was spectacularly true to that vision. Don’t mistake my rants with someone who thinks this movie has anything to do with actual history.)

So who’s this movie good for? If you liked the battle scenes in the Lord of the Rings movies, this film’s for you, especially if you don’t care to be burdened by a story line. (Not that the film doesn’t have one. In fact, it has a pretty good one, just not one you really have to bother with in order to enjoy the movie.) If you like watching movies based on comic books, this movie’s for you. If you like watching muscle-bound men running around, flexing their guns, and kicking ass, this movie’s definitely for you: not one of these guys would have looked out of place as an evil sci-fi lord, especially since they all looked like rejects for the role of Superman. If you like watching movies with impractical large holes in the middle of the city, then this movie’s for you, but only for the first 15 minutes or so.

And who’s this movie not good for? Unless you fit the aforementioned categories, this movie is not for you. If you’re looking for a movie to take your kids, this is definitely not it, no matter whether the guy sitting next to us with his 8 year old daughter would tell you otherwise.

Finally, did The Wife and I enjoy the film? Yes. Would we watch it again in the theater? No. Will we buy it when it comes out? Maybe, but only if we find it in the 75% off rack at the local Best Buy.

Edit: Check out this 9Rules note on 300. (“300 Offensive to Iranians?”) The best quote relating to the movie I’ve heard so far appears there:

If you’ve seen the movie you’ll understand that the main body of the movie is told from the perspective of a Spartan rallying his troops for battle. You too would exaggerate to pump up your troops.

Why else would Xerxes be a 10 foot tall beast of a metrosexual?

(H/T RightOn.)

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