SpaceShip One and South Park

Note: Originally I had intended never to put this post on, but after seeing The Wife’s reaction to the post I couldn’t help but go ahead with it. My apologies in advance.

I just caught this little bit on the BBC about the unveiling of Richard Branson’s Virgin Spaceship. Good reading, especially if you’re hoping to take a flight in one of those in 2009.

Unfortunately, it seems that as of late, my mind has been taken over by the characters of South Park. Again. It’s like being a freshman in college all over again. I say unfortunately because after I read this the first thing that came to mind was a little bit of a script (which I suppose could be classified as a “fan script”) involving the kids off in space with Richard Branson on the Virgin Spaceplane. For the moment, forget you’re reading this and turn on the TV of your mind.

[[Scene takes place in the Virgin Spaceship. They have just reached “cruising” altitude and are, in effect, weightless.]]

Voice: [[Voice of Richard Branson.]]Ok folks, we’ve reached our altitude of 65 miles above the Earth’s surface. We will be here for the next hour, so feel free to remove your seatbelts and enjoy the zero-G.

[[Clicks heard throughout cabin, people begin to float]]

Stan: [[starting to float]] Wow! This rocks!

Kyle: [[starting to float]] Yeah!

Cartman: Hey guys, I saw this movie once where a bunch of Jews were in space and they were singing “There’s Jews/In outerspace!/They’re floating around/protecting the Hebrew race…”

[[Stan and Kenny laiugh]]

Kyle: Shut up, fatass!

Kenny: *hmmph hmphm hmmphm hmmphm* (Sounds like “We saw that movie at your house, Kyle.)

Stan: Yeah, Kyle. We saw that movie too, remember?

Kyle: Oh. Right. [[Looks over at Cartman.]] Hey Cartman, why haven’t you taken your seatbelt off?

Stan: Yeah, c’mon dude. Floating around like this is fun! [[does flip]]

Cartman: No you guys, I… I don’t feel like it.

Stan: WHAT?! Don’t FEEL like it?! You came all the way up here and now you don’t want to float?! What’s wrong with you, dude?

Kyle: C’mon fatass, take off your seatbelt and float around!

Cartman: I don’t wanna!

Kenny: *hmmph hmphm hmmphm hmmphm* (Sounds like “It looks like his seatbelt is stuck”).

Cartman: Yeah. That’s right. I can’t. It’s stuck I guess. See?

[[faintly tugs at seatbelt]]

[[Richard Branson unstraps from the co-pilot’s chair and floats over to where the boys are, Having overheard their conversation, he floats to Cartman.]]

Richard Branson: Here young man, I’ll help you. [[Reaches for seatbelt]]

Cartman: I don’t wann… hey, what are you doing?! Hey! Heeey!!! You dildo!

Stan: Dude! Don’t call Richard Branson a dildo! He owns this thing.

*Click!* [[Takes off Cartman’s seatbelt]]

Cartman: Son of a b**ch.

[[Cartman stays on seat, gets up, but is standing normally]]

Cartman: Who-hoa…

Stan: Dude!

Cartman: Hey, I’m not floating.

[[jumps a couple of times to try to float, unsuccessfully]]

Kyle: He’s not floating!

Cartman: What the hell is wrong with this thing?

Kenny: *hmmph hmphm hmmphm hmmphm*

Cartman: Shut up, Kenny! I’m not fat!

Branson: No, no, that boy is right. Kids, your friend here is aparently so massive that his personal gravity is still interacting with Earth’s. Looks like we’ll have to go higher before you’re able to float, young man!

[[kids look on in silence]]

Kyle: Dude! You *are* a fatass.

[[everyone laughs]]

Cartman: Ah… eh…. I don’t f***ing believe this.

[[Cartman sits back down and puts his seatbelt back on, realizing just then that his snacks are floating away]]

Cartman: Hey! My food!

[[Cartman grabs for snacks, but can’t reach them. Everyone on the ship starts grabbing and eating the snacks.]]

Cartman: Hey! Those are my snacky cakes. Hey, Hey! You! Bring those back heah!

Kyle: Come and get them fatass.

[[kids laugh, Kyle eats Cheesy Poofs, does flip]]

Cartman: [[Tugs at seatbelt.]] I’m stuck you guys! Seriously! [[Tugs again. He really is stuck.]] STOP EATING MY SNACKS YOU DILDOS! [[Sighs]] Oh… alright. That’s real mature you guys! [[Mumbles, crosses arms]] Stupid sons of b**ches

Kenny: *Hmmph, ymph nmph wphmpg mphh smphg?* (Sounds like “Hey, you know what I think?)

Stan: What?

[[Kenny farts]]

Stan: You farted.

[[kids all laugh.]]

Stan: Kenny! You’re moving!

[[Kenny farts again and is proppelled by it]]

Stan: Dude! That’s awesome.

Kyle: Let me try!

[[Kyle starts farting, and is propelled]]

Kyle: This is awesome!

Branson: Hey, everyone! These boys are using gas as a method of propulsion! Try it out!

[[everyone starts passing gas to move around, laughing]]

[[Cartman pulls shirt to cover note.]]>

Cartman: G**damnit. *mumbles*

[[Scene cuts away.]]

Ok, now forget I ever did this.

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