As I’ve admitted before, I have a penchant for doing those tests which pigeonhole you into a particular category. Some are good, some are hilarious, and most just plain suck. Ever since I joined MySpace a week (or so) ago, I’ve seen more of those things than I could have possibly ever imagined. Seriously, it’s like everyone there has one of those things displayed in their profile page:
“Which Ninja Turtle are you?” ” What city do you belong in?” “How strange are you?” “Which member of the A-Team are you?” “Who’s your daddy?” “Who’s your mommy?” “How Paris Hilton-esque are you?” “Which mass murderer are you?” “What color do you taste like?” — AAARRRGGHHH!!!
Now, I like taking these tests and all — don’t ask me why — but most of these fall under the “just plain horrible” category, which means that they’re actually a form of mental vampire or sucubus trap, so if you take the time to take them your IQ falls 20 points and you automatically begin drooling.
Here’s the cool part, at least from a Web-page owner’s point of view: at the bottom of every single one of these tests, there’s always a link leading you to the test, which I’m sure is great for PageRank, provided Google even spiders MySpace. (I wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t. Google wants to organize all the world’s information, but MySpace is where they probably send their spiders to die. It’s like, if you’re a bad spider then *bam!* off to the MySpace Gulag, where you’ll spend the rest of your miserable, Web crawler life. I’m sure it’s a horrible death.)
Another thing I noticed about MySpace pages: most people — wishing to express their individuality and show the world how unique and special they are — don’t stick with the basic theme. That’s all well and good. Heck, I’m a big proponent of individuality. The problem is that 99% of all MySpace themes suck. And I don’t just mean they suck in the put-a-straw-in-your-mouth-and-suck sort of way, I mean that these things give Hoover a run for its money. It’s like they could pick up bowling balls from the carpet just by their shier suckyness. Just open the page, and *sluuuuurrp* “whoa, why is all the furniture flying towards me?” Seriously, a depressurizing cabin in outer space doesn’t have the sucking power of some of these pages. Take this dork, for example. What the hell is up with having translucent text and images, with virtually no opacity, then sticking a picture of a yellow Ferrari in a high-contrast color photo as the background?! The only possible explanation I can come up with is that this guy just doesn’t want anyone reading his page. That’s it, nothing else. It’s like this guy couldn’t figure out how to use the “make profile private” button, so he decided instead to make his page totally unreadable to anyone, including himself. (This wasn’t the first instance of opacity abuses. I’ve seen many, many, MANY more.)
Now, I wish this guy had the worst page I’d seen, but no: although his page is horribly stupidly designed, it’s not as eye-gougingly hideous as most of the pages I’ve seen. Seriously, if you want a good laugh, just go to MySpace, click “Browse” and start clicking around. I guarantee it won’t be more than 1 minute before you run into some of the butt-ugliest, sucktastic Web pages you have ever seen. Remember Angelfire? Well, it’s worse than that. The only thing I can possibly compare it to is watching a retarded bear at the circus. I mean, you wanna laugh, ’cause he’s riding on the tricycle and everything, but you feel bad because the bear’s retarded, and you just want to say “Just… stop it. Please. Leave it be.” That’s the same way I feel when I see some of these pages, like they were done by retarded circus bears.
Please, people, if you don’t know how to design, grab a template or something. Hell, pay someone $10 to make you a theme, or better yet, just keep the basic theme and pay attention to little things like page widths (because nothing sucks more than having to horizontally scroll to read a page because a picture somewhere in the page is too frig’n big).
Anyway, I’m done ranting for now. Just had to get that out of my system.