MySpace: Pigeonhole Madness and Web Design Insanity

As I’ve admitted before, I have a penchant for doing those tests which pigeonhole you into a particular category. Some are good, some are hilarious, and most just plain suck. Ever since I joined MySpace a week (or so) ago, I’ve seen more of those things than I could have possibly ever imagined. Seriously, it’s like everyone there has one of those things displayed in their profile page:

“Which Ninja Turtle are you?” ” What city do you belong in?” “How strange are you?” “Which member of the A-Team are you?” “Who’s your daddy?” “Who’s your mommy?” “How Paris Hilton-esque are you?” “Which mass murderer are you?” “What color do you taste like?” — AAARRRGGHHH!!!

Now, I like taking these tests and all — don’t ask me why — but most of these fall under the “just plain horrible” category, which means that they’re actually a form of mental vampire or sucubus trap, so if you take the time to take them your IQ falls 20 points and you automatically begin drooling.

Here’s the cool part, at least from a Web-page owner’s point of view: at the bottom of every single one of these tests, there’s always a link leading you to the test, which I’m sure is great for PageRank, provided Google even spiders MySpace. (I wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t. Google wants to organize all the world’s information, but MySpace is where they probably send their spiders to die. It’s like, if you’re a bad spider then *bam!* off to the MySpace Gulag, where you’ll spend the rest of your miserable, Web crawler life. I’m sure it’s a horrible death.)

You know, maybe I should write up a test like this. Maybe something like, “which one are you, a Ninja or a Pirate?” And I could write up questions like “Pick which one best describes you: (a) You usually surprise people because you can sneak up behind them with the silence of a church fart, or (b) People often tell you “Oh, I was just thinking about you,” and always just happen to know when you’re within a mile from them.” Heck, with the way some of these tests are built, that could be the only question and it would be enough to get me into some MySpace profiles, just so long as I put a funny picture associated with the result. No picture, no linking. Really, the only thing stopping me is that I don’t really know much PHP or JavaScript, and I’ve forgotten most of the HTML I knew (save for the basic stuff I use to make this page). Maybe there’s a test generator somewhere on the Web. (“Which personality type test are you…?”)

Another thing I noticed about MySpace pages: most people — wishing to express their individuality and show the world how unique and special they are — don’t stick with the basic theme. That’s all well and good. Heck, I’m a big proponent of individuality. The problem is that 99% of all MySpace themes suck. And I don’t just mean they suck in the put-a-straw-in-your-mouth-and-suck sort of way, I mean that these things give Hoover a run for its money. It’s like they could pick up bowling balls from the carpet just by their shier suckyness. Just open the page, and *sluuuuurrp* “whoa, why is all the furniture flying towards me?” Seriously, a depressurizing cabin in outer space doesn’t have the sucking power of some of these pages. Take this dork, for example. What the hell is up with having translucent text and images, with virtually no opacity, then sticking a picture of a yellow Ferrari in a high-contrast color photo as the background?! The only possible explanation I can come up with is that this guy just doesn’t want anyone reading his page. That’s it, nothing else. It’s like this guy couldn’t figure out how to use the “make profile private” button, so he decided instead to make his page totally unreadable to anyone, including himself. (This wasn’t the first instance of opacity abuses. I’ve seen many, many, MANY more.)

Now, I wish this guy had the worst page I’d seen, but no: although his page is horribly stupidly designed, it’s not as eye-gougingly hideous as most of the pages I’ve seen. Seriously, if you want a good laugh, just go to MySpace, click “Browse” and start clicking around. I guarantee it won’t be more than 1 minute before you run into some of the butt-ugliest, sucktastic Web pages you have ever seen. Remember Angelfire? Well, it’s worse than that. The only thing I can possibly compare it to is watching a retarded bear at the circus. I mean, you wanna laugh, ’cause he’s riding on the tricycle and everything, but you feel bad because the bear’s retarded, and you just want to say “Just… stop it. Please. Leave it be.” That’s the same way I feel when I see some of these pages, like they were done by retarded circus bears.

Please, people, if you don’t know how to design, grab a template or something. Hell, pay someone $10 to make you a theme, or better yet, just keep the basic theme and pay attention to little things like page widths (because nothing sucks more than having to horizontally scroll to read a page because a picture somewhere in the page is too frig’n big).

Anyway, I’m done ranting for now. Just had to get that out of my system.

4 thoughts on “MySpace: Pigeonhole Madness and Web Design Insanity

  1. LOL! That’s hilarious! A lot of people have similar reactions when they first experience the MySpace community. A community that allows any idiot to join… is going to wind up with a disproportionate number of idiots.

    You suggested that non-designers should get a template, but have you seen some of the MySpace templates offered by other sites? If I see one more person whose background is dominated by an enormous image of Lil Wayne or Allen Iverson…

    But you’re lucky. You should see some of the bulletins that get posted by people on my friend list. It’s my own fault for not being picky about my adds. But here are some of the worst things:

    1) MySpace chain bulletins: (If you don’t repost this with the heading “I have gay sex with llamas”, then your entire family will be devoured by a swarm of rabid ferrets.)

    2) Proselytizing: (Jesus loves you. But if you don’t repost this to all your friends, he will kill you.)

    3) Well-meaning but uninformed activism: (Please sign this online petition to save the starving children in Narnia.)

    4) Pathetic cries for attention: (I posted some new pictures on my page! Somebody look at them! Please! Leave me comments! Please! Love me!)

    5) Surveys with inane questions: (Have you ever breathed air? Do you live in a zoo?)

    Stuff like that.

    Abut those tests, though, you should make up your own. Maybe not “Are you a ninja or a pirate?” But I think you could come up with some pretty funny ones.

  2. Honestly, for me it’s been the fact that I’ve been able to connect to so many people I lost track of. Seriously, that alone is worth having to look a the plethora of ads.

  3. You can make your own theme on Myspace using basic html.
    I use myspace only to keep up with friends from high school and others online.. but basicly I am not that big of fan of it .

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