It’s burnout, plain and simple.
For the past few months I’ve been trying to keep my gears going. I’ve keep reading “You’ve Got to Do What You Love“, been reading “More Than Money” by Neil Cavuto, and been doing some thinking, a lot of it.
It probably has to do with the realization that, as much as I hate to admit it, one day, I will die. One day, I’ll take my last breath. One day…
And it will come sooner than I would like it to. Even if I live a thousand years, it’ll still be sooner than I’d like it to come.
(Yes, I know I’m not including the whole “your eternal soul” thing, but to be honest, the more I think about it, the less I can justify a dualistic existence.)
It all started once I got news of my high blood pressure. It was at 160/100. That’s pretty high for a 26 year old. (Actually, I was 25 when I got those news.) Shortly thereafter one of my best friends was diagnosed with diabetes and then… well, a lot of stuff came back.
My grandmother died of diabetes. I watched her die a very slow, very painful death. For two and a half years, I watched. I was 20, and it’s when I first realized I would one day face death.
I remember going to the doctor a lot during that time. Dr McFadden picked up on what was happening long before I did, and did his best to convince me that, weight aside, I was a perfectly healthy young man. Although I believed him, I still couldn’t get away from thinking that one day — poof! — it would all end. I would draw my last breat and…
… and then what?
I’ve tried to escape it by sinking myself into the study of longevity techniques, such as ultra-low calorie diets (which are a PITA), cryonics, and of course, exercise. Admittedly, this has been my last resort. I guess I believed that my physique would always stay readily available to me, just as it was in my youth.
Guess I was wrong.
I’ve been able to lower my blood pressure down to ~130/~80, which is borderline. But the psychological effects are a-whole-nother matter.
I’ve been planning a trip to Alaska. I’ve been looking into going back to college, specifically for language courses. (My curiosity has been partly satisfied by ChinesePod.com, but I’m looking to re-train myself in Spanish and French, then pick up Creole, Mandarin and Japanese. Creole because it’s as useful as Spanish in Miami, Mandarin because it’s about to get a lot more popular in the business world, and Japanese because it’s useful.) I’m even trying to grow a beard. (It’s just to see what it looks like, since I’m not actually interested in one.)
I sopped writing this post at that point. That was about 3 weeks ago. Since then I’ve taken a break from just about everything short of the job and started doing some reading. A lot of it. That move may have been one of the best of my life, as I find myself more invigorated now than I’ve been in… years. I find myself more confident, more trusting of my mental faculties, and having my own personal little Renaissance, something I haven’t experienced since college.
I guess a “vacation” does the mind some good.
Unfortunately, this hasn’t included as much exercising as I would like. I workout hard for a set of hours but only do it twice a week. Not good enough. I need to make out a plan to work out. (Maybe have another set of sessions with Renato, who himself has cut about half his clientÃ¨le off due to the new addition to his family, Ariel. Half fish, half human — gotta wonder how he pulled that one off, since I saw no pescocity about his wife…
Get it, Ariel? Little Mermaid? Half… whatever, you get it. Bad joke.
Anyway, so that’s where I am right now. Getting over burnout.