Jack Bauer Facts

Like Chuck Norris before him, Jack Bauer is — well, he’s Jack Bauer. The following is a list of Jack Bauer Facts everyone needs to know. This is supposed to be funny, so remember to laugh. If you don’t, Jack Bauer will torture you until you do.

  1. When Jack Bauer watches a pot, it boils immediately.
  2. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
  3. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
  4. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
  5. Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones.
  6. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
  7. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
  8. Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
  9. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
  10. You can lead a horse to water.  Jack Bauer can make him drink.
  11. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
  12. Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
  13. Jack Bauer would laugh in the face of danger, but Jack Bauer doesn’t laugh.
  14. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
  15. Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
  16. Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
  17. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
  18. Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
  19. Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
  20. In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What have you done with your life?
  21. When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
  22. When Google can’t find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

Check out more Jack Bauer facts here. Feel free to add some of your own, but resist the temptation to replace “Chuck Norris” with “Jack Bauer”. Neither Chuck nor Jack would appreciate that, and you’d likely be dead before you clicked “Reply”.

4 thoughts on “Jack Bauer Facts

  1. Yeah, there’s something about these “larger than life claims” that just… wait… “In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times…”

    Nevermind.

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